The weather we’ve been having here in usually sunny South Florida seems to be reflecting my state of mind over the past few days; heavy and oppressive, dark and dreary. They’re Billie Holiday type of days. You know, the kind that are a little drizzly and somber, and make you want to say home with a bottle of wine and just stare off into space.
Interestingly enough, despite the conditions, I feel stronger mentally. Part of it has to do with a few things that have happened to friends and acquaintances recently. But then again, someone elses misfortunes can yank you back into a different reality. It helps that, frankly, I’m over feeling this way; tired of thinking about it. I can’t imagine living with this crap over an extended period of time.
I’ve finally also gotten the opportunity to get with all three therapists -- one in person and two by phone. I liked the last one the best. I felt most comfortable with him; he’s also the one I got to meet in person. So, the appointment is made and now I just wait for next Tuesday. Sadly, I have to pay out of pocket. It seems I haven’t met my deductible yet. However, I do welcome the health insurance company to ask why I need cognitive help. I’ve a lovely response for them which includes letting them know, under no uncertain terms, that their own bureaucratic bullshit has been adding to my stress!
I think the process of actually doing something towards my own well-being is helping tremendously. My partner has been very supportive, as have been many other friends; both geographically and via cyberspace.
A shout out to Brad who turned me on to something called gorse. It’s a homeopathic remedy you mix with plain water. It’s qualities are reputed to balance you out emotionally. Whether it actually has those qualities or if it’s that I’ve chosen to believe that it works doesn’t matter to me. What matters is that even after one day, it seems to be doing the trick. It’s expensive as hell for the amount you get but, if it helps, the expense is worth it to me because the alternative just plain blows dirty donkey balls.
Some other good things are happening as well, which always helps one feel better and gives you more strength to pull out of the doldrums. Right now they might seem small and appear insignificant. I don’t even know if any of them will come to pass but I’m clinging to the positivity.
One of the more practical good things happening includes the freelance group I’ve been working with. They increased my hourly rate, without me even asking! So, I’m doing a happy dance about that.
The best part of all the good, however, is that the creative gears in my mind have once again begun to crank. Slowly, grumbling and squealing, but rolling nonetheless. I’ll take rusty and creaky any day over not turning at all. Rusty gears can always be greased up and oiled to run smoothly.
I’m grateful for everything going on, but this is definitely the one I’m most grateful for since I haven’t written much of anything, except for a few posts, since I submitted “Learning To Samba” to Loose Id this past March. Mind you, I haven’t started a new story yet but there are things percolating.
As I sit here wrapping up this post and reflecting on how far I feel I’ve come within, roughly, a couple of weeks, something ironic and -- dare I say this? -- symbolic is happening. I'm reminded of a song by Utah Saints called "Sun" from their album "Two." The sun just came out, I can't believe it. Everything looks kind of okay."
I think I’ll hang on to today by immersing myself in the energy of the good things that have been happening as well as the progress I’ve made. The other stuff? Well…I guess they’ll sort themselves out as I go.